By Lisa Scottoline

Ladies, listen to me.

Give yourself a break.

Today I’m talking about Ozempic Face.

Some of you know what I’m talking about, and some of you don’t.

I didn’t myself, until five minutes ago.

So now I’m highly qualified to opine.

By the way, what follows is not judgment, but love.

We begin when I read a news story about women putting snails on their faces because snail slime is supposed to beautify your skin.

Wait, what?

The woman in the story was already beautiful, except for the snails on her face.

Meanwhile if I see a snail on the pavement, I put it on the grass.

It never occurred to me to put it on my cheek.

I don’t want slime on my face.

I don’t want slime anywhere near me.

I got the slime out of my life in my divorces.

The next story I read about was buccal surgery, in which women are having the fat removed from their cheeks.

By the way, don’t think this is from fly-by-night doctors. No less than the Cleveland Clinic says on its website that buccal fat removal “can highlight the bone structure in your face, especially your cheekbones and the hollowed-out areas between your cheeks and jawline.”

Because hollowed-out cheeks are supposed to be more beautiful than actual cheeks.

Or, well, cheeks.

Look, I’m not judging if you want to carve your cheeks like a Thanksgiving turkey.

But my cheeks came with my face.

I didn’t have to pay extra.

Like, they’re Included.

And I love Included.

I have Amazon Prime and Audible, and if a book or an audiobook is Included, I click, Gimme.

Included means free.

Free is good.

So I’m keeping my cheeks.

Plus they come in handy.

For example, when I rest my face on my hand.

I want a nice little cushion.

Not a hollowed-out bone.

Maybe that’s just me.

I love cushions.

There’s a reason I needlepoint pillows.

The next story I read was about lip filler, which is something you may have heard of. It’s an injection that you put in your lips to make them look puffy, because full lips are supposed to be more beautiful than thin lips.

By the way, it’s hard to know the rules, isn’t it?

Lips are supposed to be full.

Cheeks are supposed to be empty.

Don’t get it mixed up.

Or you won’t be beautiful.

But the thing about lip filler is that sometimes it leaks out of your lips, so all of a sudden, your face bulges in weird places.

They call this migration.

So you’ll think it’s a social movement rather than facial disfigurement.

If you ask me, the filler is migrating to your hollowed-out cheek.

Because cushions gonna cushion.

But the story that broke the camel’s back for me was about Ozempic Face.

Ozempic is a drug meant to treat Type-2 diabetes.

You may have seen the commercial with the Ozempic jingle.

Oh, oh, oh, it will drive you crazy.

But now women who don’t have diabetes are taking Ozempic because it has the side effect of giving you a gaunt face.

Which is called Ozempic Face.

So if you don’t want to carve your cheeks, you can get a shot.

Now we’re talking!

Finally, someone is thinking about us women!

Ladies, you don’t have to slice your cheeks off!

You can just take a drug meant for somebody else!

Never let it be said that corporations do not have women’s best interests at heart.

Because there are so many companies who make money telling you that you’re not pretty enough.

They spend a fortune to convince you that they’re right.

And they do this to women who are younger and younger.

They want you worried about wrinkles in your thirties.

So you can buy whatever they’re selling for longer and longer.

But they don’t love you the way I love you.

And they’re wrong.

You know who’s right?

Mother Mary.

She always told me, Be yourself.

And look, I get it.

We all want to improve a little, especially as we get older.

I’m trying to lose five pounds.

And I color my hair an unconvincing shade of yellow.

But there are limits.

If you find yourself digging snails out of the garden, you’ve crossed the line.

It’s a slippery slope.

And a slimy line.

So give yourself a break.

Moderation in all things.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Go easy.

It really doesn’t matter what you look like.

Be happy.

And do good for others.

That’s the most beautiful thing of all.

Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2023